Adult Children of the Chemically Dependent
Do you feel isolated, uneasy with other people, especially authority figures? Areyou a people pleaser, even though, in an effort to protect yourself,you lose your own identity in the process?
We have become alcoholics ourselves, or married them, or both. Failing that, we found another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.
The Problem
Guess what is normal.
Have difficulty in following a project through to completion.
Lie, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
Judge themselves without mercy.
Have difficulty having fun.
Take themselves very seriously.
Have difficulty with relationships.
Over-react to changes over which they have no control.
Constantly seek approval and affirmation.
Either super responsible or super irresponsible.
Extremely loyal even when there is evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
Look for immediate rather than deferred gratification.
Lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences.
Seek tension and crisis and then complain about the results.
Avoid conflict or aggravate it; rarely do they deal with it.
Fear rejection and abandonment, yet are rejecting of others.
Fear failure but sabotage their success.
Fear criticism and judgment, yet criticize and judge others.
Manage time poorly and do not set priorities in a way that works effectively for them.
The Solution
The solution is to become your own loving parent.
Find the freedom to express all the hurts and fears kept inside and gain freedom from the shame and blame carried over from the past.
Become an adult who is no longer imprisoned by childhood reactions.
Recover the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself.
Move out of self-imposed isolation.
Rediscover feelings and buried memories.
Gradually release the burden of unexpressed grief; slowly move out of the past.
Learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.
Learn to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence.
Trust that your actual parent is the Higher Power, Jesus Christ. Although we had alcoholic parents, our Higher Power gave us the 8 Recovery Principles.
Receive experience, strength and hope from others.
Restructure unhealthy thinking one day at a time.
Release our parents from the responsibility for our actions today.
Become free to make healthy decisions that allow us to act, not react.
Progress from hurting, to healing, to helping.
Awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.
Come to see parental alcoholism for what it is and know how that affected you as a child and continues to affect you as an adult.
Learn to keep the focus on yourself in the here and now.
Take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting.
See beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with God, yourself and your parents.
Common Characteristics among Adult Children of Family Dysfunction / ACFD
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD guess at what normal is.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD have difficulty in following a project through to completion.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD judge themselves without mercy.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD have difficulty having fun.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD take themselves very seriously.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD have difficulty with intimate relationships.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD over-react to changes over which they have no control.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD constantly seek approval and affirmation.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD feel that they are different from other people.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD are extremely loyal even when there is evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD look for immediate rather than deferred gratification.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to the possible consequences, or before considering alternate behaviors.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD seek tension and crisis and then complain about the results.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD avoid conflict or aggravate it; rarely do they deal with it.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD fear rejection and abandonment, yet are rejecting of others.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD fear failure, but sabotage their own success.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD fear criticism and judgment, yet criticize and judge others.
Adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD manage time poorly and do |not set priorities in a way that works efficiently for them.
In order to change,adult children of family dysfunction/ACFD cannot use history as an excuse for continuing their behaviors. They learn to have no regrets for what might have been, for their experiences have shaped their talents as well as their defects of character. It is their responsibility to discover their talents, to build their self-esteem and to repair any damage done. They will allow themselves to feel their feelings, to accept them, and learn to express them appropriately. When they have begun those tasks, they will try to let go of their past and get on with the business of their life.
